Most viewed jokes

You're so tired you now answer the phone:

- Hell.

Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream:

- Get off my back, jerk!

- Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

- You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

- You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.

- Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.

- You sleep more at work than at home.

- You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.

- Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.

- You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying:

- I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie.... Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked:

- How many times did you cheat on your wife?

The first man replied:

- Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.

The Lord replied:

- Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked:

- How many times did you cheat on your wife?

The second man replied:

- Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.

The Lord replied:

- I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked:

- So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?

The third man replied:

- Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.

The Lord replied:

- I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out.

- Why are you crying? - the two men asked.

- You got the mansion and limo!

The first man replied:

- I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:

- Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?

- Yes - the professor ansvered.

- When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.

- Well - said the gatekeeper.

- That is a very minor sin. You may enter.

- Thank you very much, Saint Peter - the professor ansvered.

- Im am not Saint Peter - said the gatekeeper.

- He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.

Did you know that Dracula wants to become a comedian?
→ He's looking for a crypt writer.

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he:

- Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off....

- Not so fast - says she.

- How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said:

- He looks like thts as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

- Oh no, you horrible man - she replied.

- I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?

At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed:

- Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".

- What the hell is that? - asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain:

- I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine.

Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart.

- What was that for? - he asks.

- Oops! Sorry, lets try it again. - she says.

So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

- Wait, where are you going? - she asks.

The guy says:

- If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!

How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None, They don't make Pampers small enough.

What is a ghost favorite fruit?
→ Boonanaa!

- Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?

- Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot.

Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child:

- No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking.