Most viewed jokes

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

- The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

- The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. (I used this one alot when I was a kid...wait... I still do!)

- The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (Used by Bill Clinton... Monica who?)

- Moses died before he ever reached the UK. (Lucky for him that is.)

- Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. (What...they launch their Depends at 'em?)

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

- King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. (and still alive and residing in Hackensack, N.J.)

- Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. (Hey...he needed the extra pricks.)

- The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. (Hey testicle... I have headache. Aw SHUT UP an keep wandering!)

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said:

- My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!

The second guy says:

- That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!

- She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?

- Easy...

Every night she places a burnt offering before me!

Twas the night before Payback...
'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.

Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.

We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.

You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.

You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.

Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?

He came very close, to his final breath.

So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.

They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.

They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.

You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.

I won't be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,
It's Red, White, and Blue that's running this show!

- The water-proof towel

- Glow in the dark sunglasses

- Solar powered flashlights

- Submarine screen doors

- A book on how to read

- Inflatable dart boards

- A dictionary index

- Powdered water

- Pedal powered wheel chairs

- Water proof tea bags

- Watermelon seed sorter

- Zero proof alchohol

- Reusable ice cubes

- See through tiolet tissue

- Skinless bananas

- Do it yourself roadmap

- Helicopter ejector seat

SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995
CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

Man Killed Repairing Truck - April 1, 1995
Kalamazoo Gazette -- James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type dump truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns's clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Did you hear about the vampire who got married?
→ He proposed to his girl-fiend.

Jim sees his neighbor out back building a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas generator and so on.

- So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie huh?

- Naw - says the neighbor.

- Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker now, 'cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's nuts.

How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes?
→ Hold up your arm and say:

- Go back, you didn't say 'May I?'

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior. She came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport.
After three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate. Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him:

- Excuse me, Captain - she says.

- I am doing a survey on human sexuality... I was wondering if you could answer a few questions...

The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him.
After three questions, she asks him:

- ...and when was the last time you had sex?

Straight away the Captain replies:

- 1959.

The girl was shocked. She looks at the captain and asks:

- 1959 isn't that a long time ago?

- Oh - the pilot replies:

- I guess so...but it's only 2015 now...