Most viewed jokes

What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
→ His desk is level

It was so cold outside, I saw a politician that had his hands in his OWN pockets.

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience:

- Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?

and 5 people raise their hand.

Then she asks:

- Who here has ever SEEN a ghost?

and 3 people raise their hand.

Then she asks:

- Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost?

and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.

So she goes up to this old man and says:

- what was it like?

and he said:

- Oh...it was great!! Never had any like it before!!

and she asked:

- Really?? So the ghost was good??

and the old man said:

- GHOST!?!?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!!!

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
→ The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

How are daughter's boyfriends like cockroaches?
→ They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them!

How are men like diplomas?
→ You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to do with it.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
→ When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
→ There was an empty seat.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
→ An offer you can't understand.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
→ From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
→ In the cemetery.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
→ A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
→ A vampire only sucks blood at night.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
→ It might be your bicycle.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
→ Because deep down, they're really good people.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
→ His personality.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass.

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

- Why? - asks the father.

- The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'

- But that's right!

- Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'

His father asks:

- What's the fucking difference?

Johnny says:

- That's exactly what I said!

What gives milk and has one horn?
→ A milk truck!

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

- What would you like to do next? - he asked.

- I wanna be weighed, - she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

- One-twelve, - said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

- I wanna be weighed, - she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked:

- What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?

- Wousy, - said the girl.