Most viewed jokes

What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
→ Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin!

A policeman stops a car and suggests an apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing shows: positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the instrument isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a teetotaler. She blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid on the backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go.

They take off and the man says to his wife:

- And you kept telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give the kid any alcohol!!

- Teacher: Tommy Russell, you're late again.

- Tommy: Sorry, sir. It's my bus - it's always coming late.

- Teacher: Well, if it's late again tomorrow, catch an earlier one.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all stuck on a deserted island together. The island is 20 miles from the nearest inhabited island so they all decide to try to swim there. The redhead makes it 10 miles, is exhausted, gives up, and drowns. The brunette makes it 15 miles before she's too tired to go any farther and drowns. The blonde gets 19 miles away from the deserted island, decides she's too tired to go any farther, and swims all the way back to the deserted island.

What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
→ A pecking order.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

- Tell me - she said suspiciously - what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?

The actuary looked through his tables and said:

- A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.

She nodded, then thought for a moment.

- So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?

Again he went through his tables.

- Extremely remote - he said.

- About one in a billion.

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp?
→ Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.