Computer Jokes — most commented jokes

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

In Heaven:

• The cooks are French
• The policemen are English
• The mechanics are German
• The lovers are Italian
• The bankers are Swiss

In Hell:

• The cooks are English
• The policemen are German
• The mechanics are French
• The lovers are Swiss
• The bankers are Italian

In Computer Heaven:

• The management is from Intel
• The design and construction is done by Apple
• The marketing is done by Microsoft
• IBM provides the support
• Gateway determines the pricing

In Computer Hell:

• The management is from Apple
• Microsoft does design and construction
• IBM handles the marketing
• The support is from Gateway
• Intel sets the price

Signs Your Partner Is Addicted to Internet Porn:

• During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
• His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
• When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
• Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
• He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
• Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
• When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
• You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
• As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
• During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
• His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

Dear Editor,

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs. Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl very much and want to marry her. My problem is this: Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

Sincerely,
Larry

How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb?
→ None. He just calls a meeting and makes darkness the standard.

• Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
• AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
• MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
• Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
• Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
• Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
• New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
• Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
• Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
• Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
• Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
• Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
• Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
• Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
• Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
• Nike virus: Just does it.
• Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
• Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
• Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

What is a computer's first sign of old age?
→ Loss of memory.

What does a baby computer call his father?
→ Data.

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
→ The space bar.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
→ It slipped a disk.

Why was there a bug in the computer?
→ It was looking for a byte to eat.

What is a computer virus?
→ A terminal illness.

To err is human, but to really mess things up requires a computer.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

• Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
• Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
• Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers

E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS

• Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
• Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
• Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
• Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
• Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
• Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
• Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
• Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
• Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, the Golden Rule of email: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."