Computer Jokes — most commented jokes

You have just received the "POLISH VIRUS!"

As we don't have any programming experience, this Virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Why Dogs don't surf the web...

• Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
• Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
• Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
• Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
• Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
• Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
• Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
  'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
• Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
• SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
• SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
• Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.
• Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.
• Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...

• I will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses.
• I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
• I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
• I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
• I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
• I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...
• I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
• When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
• When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
• I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
• I will think of a password other than "password."
• I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
• I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...
• I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?

Because they couldnt put three W's in a row.

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
11. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
12. The six front keys have rotted out.
13. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
14. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
15. The password is "Huntin".
16. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
17. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
18. The keyboard is camouflaged.
19. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
11. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
12. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
13. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
14. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
15. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
16. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
17. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
18. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
19. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
11. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
12. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
13. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.
14. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
15. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
16. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
17. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."
18. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
19. Two words: catapulting teacups.

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
11. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
12. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
13. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
14. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
15. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
16. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
17. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
18. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
19. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

• Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
• Fetch command not available on all platforms.
• Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
• Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
• Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
• Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
• Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
• Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
• Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
• Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
• Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
• Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
• Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
• Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
• SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
• SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
• Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
• Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
• Too Hard To Type With Paws.

• The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
• The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
• The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
• The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
• AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
• Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
• The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
• The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
• Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
• If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
• The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
• AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
• AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
• Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
• It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
• AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
• Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
• It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
• AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
• AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
• Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."