Computer Jokes — most commented jokes

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.

But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.

Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.

Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or 3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321

Jingle Bells
333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621

Frere Jacques
1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111

Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321

The Butterfly Song
963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621

Happy Birthday
112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121

Ebonics Version of Windows '98 Debuts!

Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled "It be a fresh Window." It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users.

There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.

When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a "phat getto track that melts 'em down wit dope-ass bass," The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall - along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.

On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit."

The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster.

If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With "Da Hood."

Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: "Marquee," a lil' G spray-painting dirty words that move across the screen; or "Flying Bullets," a '64 Olds' loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by.

Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialogue box changes:

1. Break Back In = Re-entry
2. Aww Shit = Error
3. U Betta Recognize = Delete
4. Itz All Good = OK
5. 4 Real Doe = Yes
6. Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel
7. Do Dat Shit Again = Reset
8. R U Crazy = Are You Sure
9. Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find
10. Put A Cap In It = Delete
11. Games & Shit = Programs
12. Letter Shit = Documents

The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled "Homie Essentials."

The word processing program greatly differs from the main-stream program. Several words on the title bar have been changed:

1. Dat Thang = File
2. I Be Seein' It = View
3. Put Sumpin In = Insert
4. Hook It Up = Format
5. Stuff I Ain't gone Need = Tools
6. Number Shit = Table
7. Break In = Window
8. What Da F*C@*K@? = Help

Note: "Stuff I ain't gone need" (Tools) does not include spelling or grammar check options, and Auto Correct has been replaced with "Keepin' it Real."

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...

• The only jokes you receive are through e-mail (nothing wrong with this one).
• At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
• Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
• Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
• In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
• The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
• You are always late to meetings.
• You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
• You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.
• You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
• You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
• You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
• You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
• You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
• You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.
• You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
• You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
• You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
• You have never backed up your hard drive.
• You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
• You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
• You know what http:// stands for.
• You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
• You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
• You see a good design and still have to change it.
• You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
• You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
• You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
• You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
• You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
• You window shop at Radio Shack.
• You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
• Your checkbook always balances.
• Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
• Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
• Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.
• You've already calculated how much you make per second.
• You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "80."

The robot then said, "So, how are things in Poland these days?"

Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date

10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.
11. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan.
12. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.
13. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.
14. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.
15. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.
16. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys.
17. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer.
18. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap.
19. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this?"

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.

This is not believed to be a coincidence.

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

• USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
• The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
• National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
• Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
• Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
• Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
• Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
• Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
• Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
• Readers Digest: 'BYE
• Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
• TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
• Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
• America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
• Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
• Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE

How do you spot a modern spider?
→ He doesn't have a web he had a website!

Reasons computers must be male

• They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
• A better model is always just around the corner.
• They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
• It is always necessary to have a backup.
• They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
• The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
• The lights are on but nobody's home.