Computer Jokes — most commented jokes

My son is so lazy he hates emptying the trash in the recycle bin on his computer.

Why did a group of Columbians run away from a computer lab.
→ Because the computer said you have performed an illegal operation and will be shutdown.

Ten ways to know that you're addicted to your computer:

10. When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.
11. You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.
12. Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.
13. Your computer is your ONLY friend.
14. You think cyber sex is better than real sex.
15. You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).
16. You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.
17. Your twins are named RAM & ROM.
18. After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated.
19. YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. Now they're in heaven, and God is sitting on the great golden throne.

God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the internal combustion Engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain, but not inhaling." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."
BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.
BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.
CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying.
CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer!"
DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.
ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look."
EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").
HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.
RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.
TAB - What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software.
TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark Februark Mak Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Why don't elephants use cellular phones?
→ So the rest of the world won't know their plans.