Most commented jokes

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat.

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat.

He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.

The Barman was curious about this and said:

- I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?

The man replied:

- I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.

- What did you wish for? - said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said:

- You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says:

- That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:

- Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

1. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
5. Ahh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

And here's a bonus funny from: Siglets.com

Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ...

Sometimes...when you are worried....no one sees your pain...

Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...

But fart just one time...

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

- Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?

- Because he was conceived during a mighty storm - she said.

Then he asked:

- Why is my sister named Cornflower?

- Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her - she replied.

He then asked:

- And why is my other sister called Moonchild?

- We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived - the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son...:

- Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

- The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

- I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.

- I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

- An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

- I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

- In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

- I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.

- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was:

- Without using numbers, represent the number 9.

Boudreaux says:

- Dat's easy

and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says:

- What in the world is that?

Boudreaux says:

- Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine.

- Fair enough - says the boss.

- Second questions, same rules, but represent 99.

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

- Der ya go sir - he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks:

- How on earth do you get that to represent 99?

Boudreaux answers:

- Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99.

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says:

- All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100.

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts:

- I got it!

He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says:

- Der ya go sir - 100.

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux:

- Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100.

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says...:

- A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got - dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100.

- When do I start my job?!

- George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

- Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

- Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

- Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

- The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

- Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

- Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

- Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

- Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

- A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

- The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

- Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

- President Clinton of the USA: It can be rearranged into: To Copulate he finds

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

- How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! - Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind.

- You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death! - Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says:

- This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!

He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams:

- this is not what I was promised!

An angel replies:

- I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...

- What the hell did you think I said?

You're a redneck if...

- You have more fingers than you do teeth

- You cut your grass and find a car

- You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant

- Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors

- Your age is higher than your I.Q.

- Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"

- You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear."

- You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.

- You say "Watch this" everytime before you goto the hospital.

- Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...

So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?