Most commented jokes

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend:

- My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells:

- Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!

A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.

- Just give me a chance to show you what I can do - said the skinny man.

- Okay, see that giant redwood over there? - said the lumberjack.

- Take your axe and go cut it down!

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.

- I cut the tree down - said the little man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said:

- Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?

- In the Sahara Forest - replied the puny man.

- You mean the Sahara Desert - said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back...

- Oh sure, that's what they call it now!

A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

- Are you the owner? - she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

- Actually, no - he replies. I'm just the manager.

- Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him. - she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

- I'm afraid I can't - breathes the manager - clearly aroused, he's in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?

- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message. - she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

- Tell him - she says - that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room!

Last name: _________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
[] billy bob [] Bobby-Sue
[] Billy-Joe [] Bobby-Jo
[] Billy-Ray [] Bobby-Ann
[] Billy-Sue [] Bobby-Lee
[] Billy-Mae [] Bobby-Ellen
[] Billy-Jack [] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: _ M _ F ___ Not sure
Shoe Size: _ Left _ Right

Occupation:
[] Farmer [] Mechanic
[] Hair Dresser [] Waitress
[] Unemployed [] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: _________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________
Lover's Name: ________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:
[] Sister [] Aunt
[] Brother [] Uncle
[] Mother [] Son
[] Father [] Daughter
[] Cousin [] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____

Mother's Name: ___________________
Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [] own or [] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:
[] truck [] kitchen
[] bedroom [] bathroom
[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[] Yes [] No; if no, please explain: _____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[] National Enquirer [] The Globe
[] TV Guide [] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:
[] Yellow [] Brownish-Yellow
[] Brown [] Black
[_] N/A How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what's a miles?

I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.

He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.

My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.

I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.

Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.

I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery -- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.

Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.

Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me.

He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it...and watched it duck hook two fairways away...

The Taliban's Fall TV Line-up

MONDAYS:

- 8:00 - "Husseinfeld"

- 8:30 - "Mad About Everything"

- 9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"

- 9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"

- 10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:

- 8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"

- 8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"

- 9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"

- 9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"

- 10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:

- 8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"

- 8:30 - "Bowling For Food"

- 9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"

- 9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"

- 10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:

- 8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"

- 8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"

- 9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"

- 9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"

- 10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:

- 8:00 - "Judge Laden"

- 8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"

- 9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionare"

- 9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"

- 10:00 - "No-witness News"

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says:

- the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.

The Frenchman says:

- I take ze sword.

The chief gives him a sword, he says - Vive la France! - and runs himself through.

The Englishman says:

- a pistol for me, please.

The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says - God save the queen! - and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says:

- gimme a fork.

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.

The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal.

He asks:

- My God almighty, what are you doing?

And the New Yorker replies:

- So much for your canoe!

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

- Were these dishes ever washed? - he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied:

- Of course they were cleaned Father.

"They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells:

- Here Soap! Here Water!

Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

- When a heroic dog dies to save it's master

- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse

- After wrecking your boss' Ferrari

- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Finally...

Always split aces and eights. No arguments!

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. (Helen Hayes, at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow. (Janette Barber)

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. (Lily Tomlin)

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. (Carrie Snow)

Old age ain't no place for sissies. (Bette Davis)

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. (Catherine Aird)

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. (Rhonda Hansome)

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. (Jane Sellman)

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. (Caryn Leschen)

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. (Jan King)

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! (Kathy Buckley)

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. (Dolly Parton)

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. (Erica Jong)

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. (Sue Grafton)

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. (Laurie Kuslansky)

I think - therefore I'm single. (Lizz Winstead)

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. (Geri Jewell)

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler)

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. (Maryon Pearson)

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher)

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. (Gloria Steinem)

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. (Marie Corelli)

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? (Linda Ellerbee)

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. (Eleanor Roosevelt)