Most commented jokes

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman:

- I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests:

- Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's 'club'. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing.

She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman:

- That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem...

- How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?

Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend:

- Hey, why don't you try this ball.

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.

- Use this one - You can't lose it!

His friend replies:

- What do you mean you can't lose it?!!

The first man replies:

- I'm serious, you can't lose it.

- If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says:

- Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?

The man replies:

- I found it.

(Think about it... it'll come to you :)

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?

- I brought a Walkman.

- And what is it for?

- You can listen to music with it!

- That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?

- I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!

- Well done, Kenny.

- Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!

- Yes, I did. It's in the hall.

So the entire class goes into the hallway.

- Umm, Johnny, what is that?

- It's a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.

- Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?

- He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'

JUST FAUX FUN

- Can you loan me faux dollars ?

- What faux ?

- To buy faux diamonds.

- What do you need with faux diamonds ?

- I have sixteen, but I need faux more.

- Okay, why do you need twenty faux diamonds ?

- No, just twenty, not twenty-faux .

- You CAN'T be faux real ! Besides, I don't have faux dollars.

- Thanks faux nothing !

- Why do you REALLY need faux dollars ?

- Well, it's faux pas.

- And why does pas need faux dollars ?

- 'Cause Ma SPENT all of his !

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said:

- I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like:

- Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you.

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

- Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home - said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said:

- See! That guy was really stupid!

- No kidding - replied George W.

- There was a pay phone just around the corner...

- You could have called instead?

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

- Well, what do you want? - he snarled at the blonde.

- I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?

Why Dogs don't surf the web...

- Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.

- Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

- Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

- SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

- SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

- Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.

- Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.

- Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender:

- I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:

- Shay mishter, tashte this!

The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

- That tastes like pee! - he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies:

- It ish. Now how old am I?

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her:

- Why are you staring at me?

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said:

- My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!