Most commented jokes

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims:

- Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?

Daddy was relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out:

- Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

- If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:

- Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible.

- All right! - bellowed her Mother - you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer.

Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs:

- Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.

- I should hope so! - the Mother responded. The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.

- Chill Mom. - the girl said. I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team!

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.

When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said:

- White.

The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said:

- Excuse me, I don't mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can't help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?

The woman replied:

- I'm sorry to say, but that's the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him...

- Clinton doesn't inhale, he sucks

- USE CAUTION! 90% of people are made by accident.

- It's a dog eat dog world... and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!!!

- I break for hallucinations

- My Lawyer Can Beat Your Lawyer

- Blondes Are Not Dumb (the bumper sticker was upside-down)

- DADDY FARTED AND WE CAN'T GET OUT!!!

- IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!!!

- Nuck Fewt

- ORGASM DONOR

- My child made Student of the Month at Juvenile Hall

- No radio. Already stolen.

- Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

- So many pedestrians, so little time.

- My other wife is beautiful.

- I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

- Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

- There is one in every crowd and they always find me.

- I love animals - They taste great!

- I'd rather step in shit than smoke it.

- Unless you are a hemorrhoid - get off my ass!

- On the back of a caterer's truck: "Nobody beats our meat!"

Why are married women heavier than single women?
→ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and they go to the fridge.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:

- Don't.

- Don't what? - Adam replied.

- Don't eat the forbidden fruit. - God said.

- Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!

- No way!

- Yes, WAY!

- Don't eat that fruit! - said God.

- Why?

- Because I'm your Father and I said so! - said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

- Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit? - the First Parent asked.

- Uh huh - Adam replied.

- Then why did you?

- I dunno - Eve answered.

- She started it! - Adam said.

- Did not!

- DID so!

- DID NOT!

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Women's English:

- Yes = No

- No = Yes

- Maybe = No

- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

- We need = I want

- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

- We need to talk = I need to complain.

- Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

- You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.

- I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.

- The same old thing = Nothing

- Nothing = Everything

- Everything = My PMS is acting up.

- Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

Men's English:

- I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

- I'm tired = I'm tired.

- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

- You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

- What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.

- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

- What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

- I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

- I love you. = Let's have sex now.

- I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!

- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

- Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

- Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

- (while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

- I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

There were two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

- I'm an undertaker - responded the friend.

- That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement.

- There is plenty of excitement in this racket - said his friend.

- Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat... You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question:

- What part of your body gets to heaven first?

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself:

- I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad.

So she picks on Jenny first who says:

- I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart.

The teacher then calls on Jim who says:

- I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart.

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself:

- Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny.

She picks him and he says:

- I think your feet get to heaven first.

The relieved teacher asks him:

- Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?

Johnny says:

- Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'