Women Jokes — best jokes

You just can't win, and here are the reasons why:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

- She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

- She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

- She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

- She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

- She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

- She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

- She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

- She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

- She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

- She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

- She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

- She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

- She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

- She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

- She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

- She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

- She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

The top 10 things men know about women are:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
(I think you get it where we're going with this.)
6.
7.
(Hey Guys..."check out #8...a new one!)
8.
9.
10.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked:

- What gender is a computer?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

"I'm going fishing." Really means...
→ "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means....
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means...
→ "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
→ "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late." Really means....
→ "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
→ "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
→ "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
→ "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means....
→ "You want me to stay awake?"

"That's women's work." Really means....
→ "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means....
→ "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means....
→ "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means....
→ "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
→ "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means....
→ "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means....
→ "What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means....
→ "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"You look terrific." Really means....
→ "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you." Really means....
→ "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
→ "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means....
→ "I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means....
→ "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
→ "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said:

- Where would man be today if it were not for woman?

She paused a moment and looked around the room.

- I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?

From the back of the room came a voice:

- He'd still be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:

- Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading my book - she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?

- But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

- If you do that, I will charge you with rape - snaps the irate woman.

- I didn't even touch you - grouses the sheriff.

- Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ...

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

First Year

Autumn Schedule

- MEN 101--Combating Stupidity

- MEN 102--You, Too, Can Do Housework

- MEN 103--PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

- MEN 104--We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule

- MEN 110--Wonderful Laundry Techniques

- MEN 111--Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am

- MEN 112--Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception

- EAT 100--Get a Life, Learn to Cook

- EAT 101--Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

- ECON 001A--What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule

- MEN 120--How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong

- MEN 121--Understanding Your Incompetence

- MEN 122--YOU, the Weaker Sex

- MEN 123--Reasons to Give Flowers

- ECON 001C--What Was Yours is Hers

Second Year

Autumn Schedule

- SEX 101--You CAN Fall Asleep without It

- SEX 102--Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower

- SEX 103--How to Stay Awake After Sex

- MEN 201--How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

- Elective--See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

- MEN 210--The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

- MEN 211--How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

- MEN 212--You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

- MEN 213--Believe Me, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise

- MEN 230A--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

- MEN 220--Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)

- MEN 221--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

- MEN 222--Real Men Ask for Directions

- MEN 223--Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

Course Electives

- EAT 101--Cooking with Tofu

- EAT 102--Utilization of Eating Utensils

- EAT 103--Burping and Belching Discreetly

- MEN 231--Mothers-in-law

- MEN 232--Appear to Be Listening

- MEN 233--Just Say "Yes, Dear"

- ECON 001C--Cheaper to Keep Her

The Man's Guide To Female English

- We need = I want

- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

- We need to talk = I need to complain

- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've started my period

- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

- Yes = No

- No = No

- Maybe = No

- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

The Answer To "What's Wrong?"

- The same old thing = Nothing

- Nothing = Everything

- Everything = PMS again

- Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain

- I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

The Women's Guide To Men's English

- "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

- "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

- "I'm tired" = I'm tired

- "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

- "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

- "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

- "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

- "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person.

- "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Pay back time for the ladies!

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.