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Revenge of the Blondes

Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
→ It doesn't show the dirt.

Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
→ Fisher-Price

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
→ The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Why are most brunettes flat-chested?
→ It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
→ It matches their mustache.

Why is the color brunette considered evil?
→ When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?

How can you tell a brunette is lonely?
→ Check her for a pulse.

What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
→ A brunette rabbit.

Why do brunettes wear training bras?
→ It's cheaper than changing their Band-Aids every day.

Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls?
→ Parents felt the dandruff might be contagious.

How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair?
→ With a rake.

Why don't brunettes get breast implants?
→ They've already spent their money on thigh & butt implants.

Why did God create brunettes?
→ So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
→ The invitation.

Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?
→ From their underarms.

How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
→ Startled.

What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
→ A hostage.

How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color?
→ By studying what oil spills did to seaweed.

What's the difference between a brunette and the trash?
→ At least the trash gets taken out once a week.

What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween?
→ They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.

Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job?
→ Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.

What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
→ 'What part of yes don't you understand?'

Nurses and Boyfriends

Several nurses on break in the Boston General cafeteria were discussing boyfriends, past and present. Suddenly, a nurse from New York City said, "Well, I have discovered men are all alike!"

Whereupon, a pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and slapped the table. "Gal," she said, "men are all Ah like, too!"

Lifestyles of Men and Women

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK

  • 17... Wine coolers
  • 25... White wine
  • 35... Red wine
  • 48... Dom Perignon
  • 66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

  • 17... Need to wash my hair
  • 25... Need to wash and condition my hair
  • 35... Need to color my hair
  • 48... Need to have Francois color my hair
  • 66... Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

  • 17... shopping
  • 25... shopping
  • 35... shopping
  • 48... shopping
  • 66... shopping

FAVORITE DRUG

  • 17... shopping
  • 25... shopping
  • 35... shopping
  • 48... shopping
  • 66... shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

  • 17... "Burger King"
  • 25... "Free meal"
  • 35... "A diamond"
  • 48... "A bigger diamond"
  • 66... "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

  • 17... tall, dark and handsome
  • 25... tall, dark and handsome with money
  • 35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
  • 48... a man with hair
  • 66... a man

HOUSE PET

  • 17... Muffy the cat
  • 25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
  • 35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
  • 48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
  • 66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

  • 17... 17
  • 25... 25
  • 35... 35
  • 48... 48
  • 66... 66

IDEAL DATE

  • 17... He offers to pay
  • 25... He pays
  • 35... He cooks breakfast the next morning
  • 48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
  • 66... He can chew breakfast

Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK

  • 17... Beer
  • 25... Beer
  • 35... Scotch
  • 48... Double scotch
  • 66... Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

  • 17... My parents are away for the weekend.
  • 25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
  • 35... My fiancee is away for the weekend.
  • 48... My wife is away for the weekend.
  • 66... My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

  • 17... Sex
  • 25... Sex
  • 35... Sex
  • 48... Sex
  • 66... Napping

FAVORITE DRUG

  • 17... Pot
  • 25... Cocaine
  • 35... Really good cocaine
  • 48... Power
  • 66... Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

  • 17... Cop a feel
  • 25... Breakfast
  • 35... She didn't set back my therapy
  • 48... I didn't bump into her kids.
  • 66... An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY

  • 17... Third base
  • 25... Airplane sex
  • 35... Menage a trois
  • 48... Taking her company public
  • 66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

  • 17... Roaches (to be burned later)
  • 25... Old college roommate
  • 35... Irish setter
  • 48... Children from her first marriage
  • 66... Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED

  • 17... 25
  • 25... 35
  • 35... 48
  • 48... 66
  • 66... 17

IDEAL DATE

  • 17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
  • 25... Split the check before we go back to my place
  • 35... Just come over
  • 48... Just come over and cook
  • 66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

God And Adam

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, "Adam, come over here and sit down!". And Adam did so.

"Adam," spoke the Creator, "I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely." Adam said nothing in response. "So," continued the Lord, "I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!" Adam just looked puzzled but interested. "This person," said the Lord, "will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes." Adam looked grateful. "This person," said the Lord, "will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks." Adam looked thoughtful. "This person," emphasized the Lord, "will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!" Adam really looked relieved. "And, lastly," said the Lord, "She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness." Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

"O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?" "An arm and a leg," said the Almighty.

"Well," Adam then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

The Frog Prince

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."