Women Jokes — best jokes

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.

Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"

The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."

Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"

The rest is history . . .

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
→ Because all those men already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman outside the kitchen?
→ A fugitive

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
11. There's a slight difference in our ages.. (I don't want to do my dad)
12. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
13. My life is too complicated right now.. I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
14. I've got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)..
15. I don't date men where I work.. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
16. It's not you, it's me.. (It's you.)
17. I'm concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
18. I'm celibate.. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
→ Marriage.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."
11. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
12. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."
13. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
14. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."
15. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.
16. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."
17. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
18. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks...

1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.

Why We Appreciate Men And How Our Bubbles Get Burst When He Ain't Prince Charming!! (and added comments)

1. They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep. (At least that's what his girlfriend/wife says - depending on which YOU are!)
2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness. (The names deleted of the world. . .teehee!!)
3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not. (Yeh, don'tcha love it when they say you look great. . .just don't get over 200 lbs!!)
4. They're beyond enthusiastic about sex. (OK if they are discriminate. . .about who they are having it with!!)
5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall. (And don't be shocked if it is their wife. . ."you helped me through a hard time in our marriage and now it's better than ever" OR. . ."yes, I confess, I DID have a fling (you!!), but let's not let that interfere with "us"!!)
6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek. (Well, at least the newly shaved cheek. . .and just so it isn't back hair!!!)
7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires. Sometimes a MYTH!! (The sexiest man I ever knew - among others - do not have that particular instinct!)
8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake. (And, sometimes to our dismay. . .just their unapologetic lust for a hunk!!) That's when our female phrase "WHAT a WASTE!!!" comes in handy!!
9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around. (Better than throwing US around. . .)
10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer. (That is something I will just leave alone. . .kind of cute on some. . .)
11. How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it. [When their team loses. . .or when they are at a pick-up bar and she/he turns out to be just waaaaayyyyyyy too young. . .and the ones who are interested are Madam-look-alikes (as in Madam and Waylon!)]
12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action. (. . .at the slot machines or the Baccarat tables. . . OR hitting on their secretaries!)
13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys. (Say WHAT!!??!!)
14. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads. (Richard Simmons loves HIS Mom and doesn't remind me one thing of my Dad!! Nor Dave Letterman. . .hmmmmmmm!!??)
15. They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur. (I ain't touchin' that one cuz I know people with limos!!)
16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs. (well, the ins/outs of about anything and OUR money, in particular)
17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for. (Some do, some don't. . .either THEY do it or it gets HIRED done. . . I don't even want to LEARN that stuff and don't blame them if THEY don't!!)
18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say. (. . . AMEN!!)
19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size. (. . .don't get this wrong. . .they DO lie about fishing, money and women!!)
20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie. (. . .all with the same enthusiasm!!)
21. How sexy their butts look in jeans. (. . .this person must know David Bowie!)
22. How sexy their hands look holding ours. (No contest. . .)
23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out. (. . .and they are pretty decent about it when we exchange it for something we really like, too!!)
24. Their ignorance is usually amusing (Sometimes. . .depends on OUR mood !!) (If we are REALLY, REALLY gone on him. . .he is the smartest man in the world, regardless of how ignorant. . .did I say that??!!)
25. They have a great sense of competition (Good if it is at work/earning $$$$. . .bad if it is notches on belts or bedposts!!)
26. They can make great sex partners ("CAN" is the operative word here. . .usually have to have some in-house training!)
27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you Princess" is added) (Princess, Schmitzess. . .all I ask is that I be treated no differently than the Queen!!)
28. Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring. (and they are MASTERS at hiding it. . .oh, to be fair - there ARE moments. . .)
29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to (Good when it is hubby/boyfriend. . . BAD when it is David Bowie/Lenny Kravitz) (REALLY bad when it is Bill Clinton. . .)
30. They don't care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be (. . .unless it is at the football game. . .then COLOR counts!!)
31. They can be taught (. . .and when you get one trained. . .just hang in there as the older they get - the harder to train!!!)
32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt. (More like the Pamper/Binky stage. . .)

Why Beer is Better than Women

1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.
10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.
12. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.
13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.
14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.
15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.
16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.
17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.
19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.
20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.
21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.
22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.
23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.
24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.
25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.