War — best jokes

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Hiroshima Barbie ...just a shadow of her former self

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.

War decides not who is right, but who is left.

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:
Why was it that the Kamakazi pilots used helmets?

Hit Television Shows in Iraq:

• "Husseinfeld"
• "Mad About Everything"
• "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
• "Suddenly Sanctions"
• "Allah McBeal"
• "Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"
• "Matima Loves Chachi"
• "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
• "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
• "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
• "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
• "Achmed's Creek"
• "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
• M*U*S*T*A*S*H
• "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
• "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"
• "When Kurds Attack"
• "Just Shoot Me"
• "My Two Baghdads"
• "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
• "Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah"
• "Totally Clothed Baywatch"

Do you know why Iraq's navy has glass bottomed ships?
→ So the sailors can see their air force!

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, 'Bring me my red shirt!'
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, 'Bring me my red shirt!'
And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, 'Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?'
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, 'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.' The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!'

A young English woman, Polly Martin, met and fell in love with a Yank during WWII. He was a reporter and battlefield artist attached to the military. His name was Wally Woodword and whenever there was any battlefield action Wally would make quick sketches on the front lines which he would later turn into proper drawings from which he wrote his reports.

Now, Polly and her friend Susan worked for the Ministry of Defense as did many young English women and the department they worked in was one that allowed them to know a lot of interesting information - including the exact date of the Normandy Invasion.

The day before the invasion Polly was telling Susan that she planned to spirit her reporter boyfriend away next day and take him on a picnic out in the country.

"But, you can't do that," Susan replied. "Why not?" Her friend asked.

"Polly, Wally doodles all D-Day!"

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
→ Shoot the lawyer twice.

A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..."

The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down."

The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Woo, woo, woo..."

The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down."

The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..."

After WWII, two Poles returned to their destroyed village to locate the first one's wife. Going through the rubble, Victor came across a dismembered arm and called over, "Hey, Stanley, wasn't this Anya's arm? I think this is the wristwatch you gave her."

"I dunno, Victor," said Stanley, and they continued the search.

A little while later, Victor came across a severed leg.

"Stanley, couldn't this be part of Anya? She had great legs." Stanley shrugged and they walked on.

Finally the energetic Victor came across a woman's head, which he held out at arm's length for his friend's inspection.

"Nope," said Stanley at last. "Anya was a lot taller."