War — best jokes

What do pub landlords say in Kosovo at chucking out time?
→ "Come on you lot, have you not got any homes to go to?"

Will sell for parts one F-117 Plane in wrecked condition. Self pick-up from Yugoslavia by buyer

Serbian official press agency claimed today that Serbian forces shot down two F-117 Planes and four Ballistic "smart" missiles.

Pentagon denied the statement, saying that all of them had safely returned to NATO's base.

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was "war". The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"

Two GIs in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit.

- I can't go in here, it's really going to stink.

- There's another trench over there.

- I'll cover you with the M60... just give me a shout and I'll cover you so you can get back.

- OK.

So the GI runs across while the other fires off the machine gun.

He's waiting 10 minutes... 15... 20... he shouts out, "Are you OK?"... nothing.

Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting.

"Cover me, I'm coming back!"

When he jumps back in, his mate says, "Where the fuck have you been? You've been gone for over an hour."

"Yeah, I know. There's a girl in there, I played with her tits, fondled her arse, turned her round and fucked her from behind!"

"It was great!"

"You lucky bastard," said the other. "Did you get a blow job?"

"Nah," said the other, disappointedly. "She didn't have a head."

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

This freelance journalist discovered Adolf Hitler was alive and well and living in South America. He managed to wrangle a 'once-in-a-lifetime' interview with Hitler on the condition that he was not to reveal where Hitler was living. He went to this interview, and lo and behold, yes, it was Adolf Hitler, looking very old. He interviewed him, asking him all sorts of questions, and as a final question, asked "What are you doing now, in the twilight of your life?"

Hitler replied "Hah! Twilight of my life! I'll have you know that I am secretly putting together the 4th Reich, right here in South America! This time we'll do it right. We have a foolproof plan - this time we will kill EVERY JEW in the world - and 6 MEXICANS!!!"

The journalist asked "...but...but....but why 6 MEXICANS??"

Hitler jumped to his feet and yelled "SEE, I TOLD THEM THAT NO-ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE JEWS!"

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp."

Patrick says, "that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick replies, "no, he fell out of the machine gun tower."

Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
→ It seats 500.

How many Serbs does it take to change a Lightbulb?
→ It doesn't matter.. Theres a Blackout!