Sport Jokes — best jokes

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass."

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran

How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
→ Studying their Miranda Rights.

What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
→ A huddle.

Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
→ The police.

Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
→ It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

• The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
• The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
• The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
• The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
• If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
• After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
• After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
• In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
• No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995

• You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
• Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
• They keep shouting "Do over!"
• When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.
• Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
• First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
• Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"
• Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
• You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"
• They play like the Mets

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo

Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

• Escape from Dojo: The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
• Sleeper Stance: Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.
• Sigh of Wisdom: Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.
• Crossing Fingers: A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.
• Gift of Instruction: The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.
• Seeing Without Seeing: The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.
• Kuchi Waza (mouth technique): Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.
• Mugger's Defense: Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.
• Sensei's Downfall: Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.

Further requirements:

• Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).
• Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.
• Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.
• Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.
• Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.
• Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).
• Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).
• Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.
• Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.
• Must be able to sing Karaoke.
• Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)
• Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).
• Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".
• Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.
• Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.
• Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.
• Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

Note: Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.

Supplemental Rules for Bowling

If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

Top Baseball Player Demands
From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994

[In case anyone has od'ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]

• No team flights on Continental Airlines.
• Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.
• Make it legal to cork their pants.
• Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
• No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]
• Two words: Streisand tickets.
• Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie".
• Plenty of dugout Slimfast.
• Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed.
• More games against the Mets.

Things to do at a Bowling Alley

• Every time you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
• Whenever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
• Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
• Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
• Wear Golf Shoes.
• Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
• Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
• Play bocci with extra lane balls
• Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again
• Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
• Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
• Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
• Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
• Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
• Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
• Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
• Root for the other team- Bring Banners. Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
• Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen"
• Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
• Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
• Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
• Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
• Rent all the shoes, eat them
• Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
• When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
• If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics
• Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
• Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
• SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
• Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
• Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling
• Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
• Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.
• Bring a dartgun...

Be inventive.

• Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
• Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
• Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.
• Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.