Random joke from this category
"I came in to make an appointment with the dentist." said the man to the receptionist. "I'm sorry sir." she replied. "He's out right now, but..." "Thank you." interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again?"
A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, "Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to throw the switch in a minute."
The man said, "Do me a favor and throw it out the window!"
Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card. "Message?" she sputtered.
"Well, I guess, 'You will be missed.'" Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her exact words: "I guess you will be missed."
This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. "Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, "Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons... Funeral arrangements haven't yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea."
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!
A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country.
"There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!"
"Oh, my God!" says his friend. "Surely he must have died!"
"Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!"
A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?"
The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf."
The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all."
The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. They never bring 'em back!"
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
It was Rocky's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Rocky heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter! Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter. A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block.
Rocky didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.
"Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door.
"What's going on, here?" asked Rocky.
"Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number."
So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night, wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called "57," and the halls rang with laughter.
After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate.
"I don't understand it," asked Rocky, "Why is Bill still laughing?"
"Well," said the gruff inmate, "He never heard that one before!"
Where do cowboys cook their meals?
→ On the range.
