Situations — best jokes

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

There was a large nuclear accident and one of the worlds largest cities was totally destroyed. There were millions of people dead it was a real tragedy.

With that many people of course things got backed up at the pearly gates, where they have to interview everyone. The people were lined up for miles. Then at the front of the line a large cheer went up, and there was much rejoicing. Of course the people at the back of the line were curious about what was happening. Finally one man stepped out and called toward the front of the line, "what's going on?" Someone called back "They ain't gonna count fucking."

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.

"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his last son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

- Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?

- Farmer: That's right.

- Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?

- Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.

That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
→ Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two.

One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Hear about the guy who played a blank tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

The man walked past the armored car and hears people talking inside. He stepped closer to hear what they were saying: "I see you, and I'll raise you another sixty thousand."