Sex Jokes — best jokes

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.

It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.

"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.

"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."

The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."

"Be my guest!", said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head.

"OUCH!", said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.

He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.

"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.

"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style."

"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."

"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time achieving an orgasm.

The Dr said "which position do you use?"

"Doggy style," said dumb shit.

"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if that works any better." said the Dr.

"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"

There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?"

After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course, and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring, he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good time to be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he had to think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion.

Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide.

The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent.

The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter's shirt and hat, and started to read the paper.

A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunter reading the paper, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?"

From behind the paper The gorilla answered, "You mean the one that screwed the lion in the ass?"

Flabergasted, the lion said, "Holy Shit! It's in the paper already?"

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend: "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"Ok, what about the earsth?"

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat," said the midget.

With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse's twat, then pulled him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase.

I'd like to see her run!"

Did you know elephants have sex organs on their feet?
→ They step on you and you're screwed

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.

It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.

"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that." George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.

"Sure" says George.

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."

What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
→ An epilectic.

How do you give a cowboy a hard-on?
→ Moooo-ooo-ooo

What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other?
→ Gee, we really do taste like chicken.