Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your mother.
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
→ Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
→ Wiped his ass.
What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
→ Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
→ A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
→ Spitting, swallowing and gargling
What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
→ You know she'll swallow.
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
When is a pixie not a pixie?
→ When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.
What's the definition of a Yankee?
→ Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
→ No one to talk to during orgasm.
What do you call a smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
→ A mechanic!
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
→ The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
→ She is the one who can eat the last donut!
How can you tell which is the head nurse?
→ The one with the dirty knees.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
→ A battery has a positive side.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits?
→ The blonde, because she's 18.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
→ Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
The three words most hated by men during sex?
→ "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Three words women hate to hear when having sex
→ "Honey, I'm home!"
Why do men take showers instead of baths?
→ Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
→ It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
→ When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
→ Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
How can you tell a macho women?
→ She rolls her own tampons.
What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
→ Hair balls.
What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
→ Crust.
Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
→ Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
