Sex Jokes — best jokes

• "Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
• "I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
• "I'm not really married."
• "It's only a cold sore."
• "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."
• "Size isn't important."
• "This won't hurt, I promise."
• "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
• "We'll always be together."
• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
• A man in the house is worth two in the street.
• A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
• A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
• Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
• All the good ones are taken.
• Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
• Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
• Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
• Do it only with the best.
• Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
• Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
• Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
• If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
• If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
• If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law).
• If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.
• If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
• If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.
• It is always the wrong time of month.
• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
• It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
• It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
• Love comes in spurts.
• Love is a hole in the heart.
• Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
• Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
• Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
• Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
• Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
• Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
• Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
• Never say no.
• Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
• Nice guys finish last.
• No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
• No sex with anyone in the same office.
• Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
• Nothing improves with age.
• One good turn gets most of the blankets.
• People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
• Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
• Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
• Sex has no calories.
• Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
• Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
• Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
• Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
• Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
• Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
• The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
• The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
• The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
• The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
• The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
• The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
• The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
• The younger the better.
• There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
• There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
• There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
• Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
• Virginity can be cured.
• What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
• When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
• When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
• You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
• You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.

and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.

He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.

This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.

- What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing.

- Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea.

- Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like...

- Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know... she has diarrhea.

- Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to...

- Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums... a common disease called piarhemia.

- Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?

- Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!

Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.

As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, "What huge buttocks!" Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.

The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, "Christ! What huge tits!."

She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.

Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.

The other two ask, "What happened? Did you put your foot in it?"

"No, but I could have!" the third man replied.

A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred.

So his wife says, "What happened to you?" The man says, "When I was young, I had the kneesles."

He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.

"Hmmm, well what happened to your feet?" inquires the wife. "When I was a young boy, I had tolio."

So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies, "Don't tell me. Smallcox, right!?"

This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers. The best man exclaims, "Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!" To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong.

So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says, "honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!"

The groom replies, "I will be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon."

After a few more minutes, the bride can't wait any longer, so she rummages under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it, pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom won't know what she did.

The groom, sitting on the bed sniff notices this awful smell! sniff sniff Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! sniff What can that be? He looks under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, "Honey, there's shit in your box!!!"

Boom! Boom! Boom! (There's pounding on the wall...) The best man yells from the other room, "Turn her over, turn her over!"

On the eve of her wedding, the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasn't a virgin.

"No problem," said the friend. "Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. You'll feel nice and tight and he'll never know the difference."

She went ahead and followed her friend's advice.

On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere.

The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all that was left was a note that read:

Sweetheart, I love you very much. I feel terrible about what has happened. I can't go on after this, and I know now that we can never have a life together.

Goodbye darling.

P.S: ...

Your pussy is in the refrigerator!

On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. "Honey," she says, "now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is?"

He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off. "This, my love, is a penis." he told her.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "It looks like a dick, but only much smaller!"

The newlywed couple asked the hotel desk clerk for a room and told him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" said the clerk looking at the bride. "Would you like the bridal then?"

"No thanks," said the woman. "I'll just hold him by the ears until he gets the hang of it!"

The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked, "Honey, you can tell me. Am I the first man?"

She looked up and said, "Why does everybody ask me that?!"