Sex Jokes — best jokes

After making love, the woman said to the man, "So, you're a doctor?"

"That's right," replied the doctor smugly. "Betcha don't know what kind of doctor."

"Ummm... I'd say that you're an anesthesiologist."

"Yep, that's right! Good guess! How did you know?" asked the guy.

"Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn't feel a thing."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected but still quite horny, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, "Do you understand what I am doing?"

"Yes," the patient answered. "You're checking for dermatological abrasions."

"Correct," the doctor lied.

Next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly. Again, he inquired, "Do you understand what I am doing?"

"You're feeling for cancerous lumps," she ventured.

"Very astute," the doctor complimented, getting more excited. He placed the woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her.

"And do you understand what I am doing now?"

"All too well," the patient shot back. "You're contracting herpes!"

This kid walks into the pharmacy:

- I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it.

- What do you want?

- Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know...

- What do you want?

- I need some protection, alright??!?!

- What size?

- Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess.

- That'll be $2.35 including tax.

- Tacks?! Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please."

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!"

To which the guy replies, "Make it 100."

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"

The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever)."

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well... I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist says, "And..."

Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing behind the counter is a young woman.

"May I speak to the pharmacist?" he asks.

"Well," she replies, "I am the pharmacist."

He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a male pharmacist, as he has a "male problem."

She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular establishment.

He blushes and says, "Well, I really do need help, so I guess I'll ask you... I have a problem. I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid of it. It's been like this for three months now. Can you give me anything for it?"

The woman looks thoughtful, and says, "Hold on, I'll go in back and ask my sister."

After a couple of minutes she returns and says, "We'll give you half of the business and it's profits, but that's all we can give you for it..."

A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test; he shows the patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you see?"

The patient replies, "Two people are having sex in the middle of a circular room."

The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you see?"

Patient answers, "Two people are having sex in a square room."

The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it and asks, "What do you see now?"

Patient replies, "Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?"

A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises "Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo..."

"What are you doing?" enquires the doctor.

"I'm taking a train down to Barcelona," replies the man.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.

"Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife!"

"Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac!"

"I understand," said the shrink. "But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock!"