Religion — best jokes

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

- Mommy, can we leave now?

- No, her mother replied.

- Well, I think I have to throw up!

- Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

- Did you throw up?

- Yes.

- Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?

- I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'.

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.

- Rabbi: What are doing here with a dog?

- Bernie: The dog came here to pray.

- Oh, come on, says the Rabbi.

- YES! says Bernie.

- Rabbi: I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple.

- Bernie: Its true!..

- Ok, says the Rabbi, then show me what the dog can do.

- OK, says Bernie nodding to the dog...

The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.
'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.'
Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'
Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.
'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again...'

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses "I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days." and Moses says "Yeah sure." So Jesus gets up and says "I think I'll walk on the water, that was always a good one." So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him. Moses then says "What's the problem?"

and
Jesus says, "I think its the holes in my feet!"

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
→ It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
→ He sold his soul to Santa.

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Paul says to Jesus, "Hey man, whatcha doing for Passover?"

Jesus says, "Just hanging around."