Religion — best jokes

Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years?
→ Because even then, men couldn't stop to ask directions.

Why did God create man?
→ Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

What did God say after he created man?
→ "I can do better than this" and he made woman.

But the disruptions created in Adam's internals when God removed his rib were so great that it caused Adam's brain to sink down into his testicles.

And so one of Eve's first assignments was to explain to Adam the difference between his black and navy blue socks.

Why do so few men end up in heaven?
→ They never stop to ask for directions.

The men who do make it to Heaven are going to have a rude awakening up there when they find out two things: God is a woman...and she nailed down all of Heaven's toilet seats!

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself. "Where's Eve?" He asked.

"Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every month or so."

"So where is she?" asked God.

"Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam.

"Darn," said God. "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish!"

And God Created The Woman

He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors: His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.

He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and comments.

The Carpenter says: "Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out." God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Tailor says: "Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them." God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Architect says: "Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time, please do not place the toilets next to the reception room"

When God made man, he made him out of string.
He had a little left, so he left a little thing.

When God made woman, he made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough, so he left a little space.

Why did God create lesbians?
→ So feminists wouldn't breed.