Religion — best jokes

Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men".

He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.

The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses"; the other gate read "Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses". The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate. Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked, "Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?"

The smallish fellow replied, "I haven't a clue. My wife told me to stand here."

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 21
17. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)
18. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)
19. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)
20. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)
21. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)
22. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)
23. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (1 Samuel somewhere)
24. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative off course.) - Cain (Genesis 4)
25. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)
26. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14)
27. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). - David (2 Samuel 9)
28. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
29. Don't be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11)
30. A wife?... NOT!!! - Paul (I Corinthians 7)
31. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. - Jesus (Revelation 15?)

On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican.

A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house.

Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked, "But where is your husband?"

"Jim?" the haggard woman said. "Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!"

A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.

- Grandma, what happened to the kitten?

- It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead.

- Where does a kitten go when it dies?

- God takes the kitten to heaven.

The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said, "But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?"

A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute... The feminist was arguing over the different pay scales that her women were receiving...

- Fem: Okay, why are women paid less than men for doing the same job that a man does.

- Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men.

- Fem: Where does it say that? I don't think so.

- Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct?

- Fem: Yeah, so?

- Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!

God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis. The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things.

The penis was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of them at a time.

Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid Eve would like the snake's fruit better than his.

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.

Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says, "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God replies, "So she would love you."

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.

The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

- Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

- Sister: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

- Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

- Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

- Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

- Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket!