Relationships — best jokes

A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying. "What happened...why are you crying?"

The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.

The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.

The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.

Once again, she asks her why she was crying?

This time the blonde replies hysterically... "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!"

Ladies...read and heed!

SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. No, you can't have the remote control.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.

Check your oil. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers. Share the closet. Share the bathroom.

Your brother is an idiot. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. You have too many shoes. You have enough clothes. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Dogs are better than cats. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat. Don't make us guess. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

Things Not To Say During Sex

Girls shouldn't say:

• You woke me up for that?
• Do you smell something burning?
• Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
• Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
• ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
• Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
• Got any penicillin?
• Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
• I want a baby!
• But everybody looks funny naked!
• Did I mention the video camera?
• So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
• Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
• Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
• Did I remember to take my pill?
• That leak better be from the waterbed!
• I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
• But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
• Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
• If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...
• You're almost as good as my ex!
• Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
• You look younger than you feel.
• Perhaps you're just out of practice.
• You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
• They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
• You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
• What tampon?
• I have a confession...
• I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
• Did I mention my transsexual operation?
• Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
• Hic! I need another beer for this please
• I think biting is romantic- don't you?
• When would you like to meet my parents?
• Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like?
• Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
• Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
• I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off.
• Do you have a light?
• Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
• Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
• I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
• So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
• Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

Guys shouldn't say:

• A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel)
• Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
• Can you please pass me the remote control?
• Do you accept Visa?
• On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
• And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
• Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
• (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
• Do you get any premium movie channels?
• But I just brushed my teeth...
• I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
• I think you have it on backwards.
• When is this supposed to feel good?
• Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
• You're good enough to do this for a living!
• Is that blood on the headboard?
• Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
• I wish we got the Playboy channel...
• No, really... I do this part better myself!
• It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
• This would be more fun with a few more people...
• That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
• Now I know why he dumped you...
• Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
• Have you ever considered liposuction?
• And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
• What are you planning to make for breakfast?
• Are those real or am I just behind the times?
• Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
• You'll still vote for me, won't you?
• I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
• I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
• A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
• Does this count as a date?
• You can cook, too right?
• Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
• You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
• My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
• Is this a sin too?
• I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
• Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
• Long kisses clog my sinuses...
• How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
• You mean you're NOT my blind date?

(Age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

(Age 32)

1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week

(Age 42)

1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

(Age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

(Age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

(Age 72)

1. Breathing.....

The Perfect Day According To...

HER
8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 - Light breakfast
11:00 - Sunbathe
12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 - Shopping
2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 - Make love
11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM
10:00 - Wake up
10:02 - SEX
10:10 - Big Breakfast
11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
3:15 - SEX
3:25 - Play sports with the guys
4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 - SEX
6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer
11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
11:10 - Sleep
2:30 - Fart

The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says "Honey, look what I won at bingo".

Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says, "Honey look what I won at bingo".

Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says "Honey, look what I won at bingo".

The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks - "Honey shall I draw you a bath?" To which she replies "Why sure".

As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.

She asks "how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?"

To which the husband replies...

"I wouldn't want you to get your bingo card wet"!

A girl goes on a blind date.

The blind date hadn't been all that great, and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and said, "Nice design - does it also come in men's sizes?"

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.

He left her a note saying: "Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton."

He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read: "Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!"

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.

They both decided it was time to get married.

So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.

"Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you live?"

"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.
That should be enough."

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"

"Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far!"