Random joke from this category
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter`s plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"
I Still Miss My Ex..
But My Aim Is Getting Better!
Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is much better looking." says the wife.
You just can't win, and here are the reasons why:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
Bill is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Bill just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Bill replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear old Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Bill and his friend get together. "So Bill. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"
Bill shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
"So are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"
"I'm going fishing." Really means...
→ "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing." Really means....
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." Really means...
→ "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
→ "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late." Really means....
→ "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
→ "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
→ "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
→ "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me." Really means....
→ "You want me to stay awake?"
"That's women's work." Really means....
→ "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means....
→ "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means....
→ "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means....
→ "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
→ "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means....
→ "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means....
→ "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you." Really means....
→ "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"You look terrific." Really means....
→ "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you." Really means....
→ "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
→ "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means....
→ "I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means....
→ "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
→ "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.
What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $ 3.99 a minute.
Pay back time for the ladies!
