Political Jokes — best jokes

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed.

"No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Lets see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage."

"And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want."

"I would like to get rid of these love handles, though." "Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!

Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said "Nice pigs, Sir!"

The President replied "These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea."

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, Sir!"

Here are some "actual" bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:

HONK! If you had sex with the President

Clinton: We forgive you...
Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery IS NOT a family value

Does character matter YET?
One More Whore And We Get Gore

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility

If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.

Save the President: Legalize Perjury

Two terms for Clinton: the second in jail

Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father

One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one."

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?" Bill Clinton replied, "No, some begin with 'After I'm elected'."

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. "I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie. Poof! A beer appeared.

Next the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."

Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought.

"I wish I never had to work again." And poof!...

He was back at his desk in the government office!

What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
→ In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

How will history remember Bill Clinton?
→ The President after Bush.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
→ One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.

What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
→ "Don't hit your head on the desk."

Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's day?
→ All pants half off.

What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
→ They both blew the big one several times.

What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
→ The Executive Branch.

What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
→ They both have slots which say "Insert Bill" here.

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.

Well, here's the answer: It's simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.

Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.

All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."

"Done" says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?"

And Willie replies, "Is Dorothy around?"

Famous interpretations of "Why did the Chicken cross the road?"

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please...

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him down!

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

L.A Poliece Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we'll find out.

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what "they" call it: the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!

Ronald Regan: What Chicken?

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?

Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.

Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.