Random joke from this category
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."
So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. "Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?" Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost..... I was just too tired to walk home."
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
- Man: What's the problem officer?
- Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
- Man: No sir, I was going 65.
- Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
- Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
- Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
- Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
- Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
- Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
- Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
- Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
- Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
- Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
- You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.
- Oh yes dear, what happened?
- I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
- Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?
- Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Gene Robinson, 24, was arrested in Dayton, Tenn., after having sat for part of a session as a member of a grand jury hearing drug cases. He had already voted on 20 indictments when the next name that came up was his. He raised his hand, said, "That's me," and excused himself. His fellow members indicted him, and police arrested him at his home a short time later.
