Ouch — best jokes

After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.

She starts crying and then asks, "How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!

And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!

And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you and comforted you? Me!

And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!

How could you leave me, Jimmy? You've been through everything with me."

Jimmy replies, "That's just the problem, Katherine! You're just fucking bad luck!"

- Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.

- Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.

- Jim: What happened to your first three wives?

- Joe: They all died, Jim.

- Jim: How did that happen?

- Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

- Jim: How terrible! And your second?

- Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.

- Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?

- Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

- Jim: I see, an accident.

- Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
→ Cut the rope.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
→ The bucket.

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

How do you blind a woman?
→ Put a windshield in front of her face!

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
→ Slap the bitch!

What would king Henry VIII be doing if he was alive right now?
→ Scratching at the lid of his coffin of course!!!

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God!... What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead!"

What is the prudent thing to do when someone has an epileptic seizure in a hot tub?
→ Toss in your laundry.