Mom/Dad Jokes — best jokes

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO, explain_____________________________________________________________________________________________Number of years married________If less than your age,Explain__________________________________________________________________________________________________Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____ A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring,or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Church you attend______________________________________ How often you attend_______When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, andpriest?_____________Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER)A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be__________________________________________________________B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________________________________________________________C: A woman's place is in the__________________________________________________________D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________________________________________________E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is__________________________________________________________NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up__________________________________________________________________________What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OFTHE ABOVE(circleone)I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE._______________________________________Signature (that means sign your name moron)Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.

One boy said, "My father is better than your father."

The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."

The first boy paused and then replied, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway, dear," the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

- Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

- Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.

(The daughter looks puzzled.)

- Mom: That means the daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

- Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

- Mom: Jewelry, dear.

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his girlfriend some.

Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' daddy?"

Johnny's dad stoops over to cover-up his dick and starts looking at the floor. "Oh I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny says, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?"

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

"Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!"

"If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you."

"If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man."

"Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!"

"Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!"

"Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore."

"Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!"

"If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!"

"Don't make me put you back in the womb!"

"As long as you live under this roof, you're going to wear that dress, young man!"

"You just wait til your father gets paroled!"

"Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin."

"Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!"

And the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families...

"All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!"

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?", asked the Mom.

"Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband."

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
→ If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
→ Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."