Mom/Dad Jokes — best jokes

One day at school, the teacher sees cuts and bruises all over little johnny's body. Worried, she asks him what happened.

He replies: "Well, my parents are doing renovations in my room and I sleep with them. Last night, I woke and heard my father asking OK? and mom said OK so I asked OK what? So they got real angry and beat me up."

The next day, the teacher sees new cuts and bruises on little johnny's body so she asks him what happened and tells her the same thing. So she tells him not to say anything should the same thing occur tonight.

Next day at school, little johnny comes to class with a head band on his head and crutches with his face all blue and swollen.

When the teacher asks what happened, he says: "Like you said, last night, when my dad asked OK? and mom said OK, I didn't say anything. After a while, they started moaning and groaning but still, I didn't say a thing until dad asked: "did you come?" and mom answered "Yeah, I came" and I said "where were you?""

When his wife gave birth to a healthy baby, a proud father went in to work and told everybody that he has a 10Kg healthy son.

After hearing what was going on, the wife tells the father to quit telling everybody that the baby is 10Kg because he's only 4 Kg.

Next day at work, the father comes in and tells everyone that the baby is only 4 Kg.

"What do you mean, he was 10 yesterday?" "Umm, well that was before he got circumcised."

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

By the way - Mary is blonde.

10 year old Johnny's mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.

Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn't made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.

He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn't see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother's room and stops dead in his tracks, 'cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating "Oh, I need a man, Ohhh I need a man."

Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room.

Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesn't see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Momma's door and there once again was his Mother, laying stark naked on the bed, Rubbing herself all over and repeating "Oh, I need a man. Ohhh, I need a man." Once again he backs out quietly.

Well, this time it took little Johnny a bit longer to muster up the nerve to demand his bike, but he finally does and rushes downstairs, No Momma, so he rushes upstairs, throws Momma's door open and there to his amazement was his Momma, lying stark naked on her bed, but this time she had a man on top of her.

Johnny backs out of the room, walks quietly down the hall to his room and sits on his bed. He thinks about what he has just witnessed for a while and then, just like a bolt of lightning had struck, Johnny jumps up and screams "I GOT IT !!!!!!"

JOHNNY PEELS ALL OF HIS CLOTHES OFF, LIES STARK NAKED ON HIS BED AND STARTS TO RUB ALL OVER HIMSELF REPEATING "OH, I NEED A BIKE, OOOOHHHHHHHH I NEED A BIKE"

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.

He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB's from the gun went right into mother's spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB's and just figured that they couldn't hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.

Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying, "mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don't worry it will go away.

Then the little boy runs down stairs, "mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then don't worry about it, it will go away.

Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down - "honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!"

One day a mother and father were having sex and their son walked in. "What are you doing?" the kid asked.

Well, you wanted a brother, so we're making you one.

The next day, the father walks outside and sees his son porking away on the family junker's tailpipe.

"Son...what the hell are you doing!!!"

And the son replied - "Mom said she wanted an new car, so I'm making her one!"

A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandpa. They install themselves on the river bank and have brought with them all the provisions they need for a fine day's fishing.

After a while, grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy gazes on. He knows his parents won't allow him to smoke, but he gets on well with his grandpa, so he asks 'Can I have one of those cigarettes?' Grandpa, knowing he shouldn't encourage the boy in a bad habit, but not wanting give a curt 'no' asks 'Does your dick reach your ass?'. The boy replies 'No , it doesn't'. 'Then, ' said grandpa, 'you aren't old enough to smoke.'

Half an hour later grandpa opens a six pack. The boy has always wanted to taste beer so he asks grandpa for a swig. 'Does your dick reach your ass?' asks the old man. 'No, replies the boy.' 'Then you're not big enough to touch beer,' comes the reply.

By and by the boy feels hungry and opens his lunch box. He finds a pack of cookies there and takes one out to eat it. Grandpa sees this and fancies a cookie himself, so he asks for one.

The boy turns the tables on his grandpa and asks 'Does you dick reach your ass?' 'It sure does, says the old man.' 'Then go fuck yourself - These are all mine!'

There was this lady who was in the shower & her little boy walked in on her taking a shower & he saw her pubic hairs & says: "Mommy what's that?" as he pointed down to her.

"Well, that's Mommy's washcloth."

The next day he walked in on her again, & asked her again & she says it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got tired of him asking.

So the next day when he walked in on her, he asks: "Mommy what happened to your washcloth?"

"Uh, Mommy lost it." So the little boy walked out.

The next day he walked in on his mom & says: "Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth & she is washing Daddy's face with it!"

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives is a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but them remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says ... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"

And then there's little Johnny who one night woke up to go the bathroom and passed by his parents door.

Noticing that the door was open a bit, he walked in only to see his mother performing oral sex on his dad.

Upon seeing this, little Johnny walks out and exclaims - "Hah!, they got nerve...they sent "ME" to the doctor for sucking my thumb!"