Men Jokes — best jokes

How do men exercise at the beach?
→ By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
→ breasts don't have eyes

What do men have in common with toilet bowls, aniversaries, and clitorises?
→ They miss them all.

What kind of clothes are there?
→ women: clean & dirty
Men: Clean, almost clean, sorta clean, not bad, dirty, really dirty, nasty, biohazzard. (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes).

How do you get a man to do situps?
→ Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...

In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion.. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.. Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..

A MAN'S SCHEDULE

1. Get up.
2. Pass gas.
3. Drink cup of black coffee.
4. Pass gas.
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work".
6. Pass gas.
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site.
8. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car.
9. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands.
10. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas.
11. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas.
12. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep.
13. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online. Pass gas.

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR:

Autumn Schedule

• MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
• MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
• MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
• MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

Winter Schedule

• MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
• MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m.
• MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
• EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
• ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers

Spring Schedule

• MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
• MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
• MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
• MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
• ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)

SECOND YEAR:

Autumn Schedule

• SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
• SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
• MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
• MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
• ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

• MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
• MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
• MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
• MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
• MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

• MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
• MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
• MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
• MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
• MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives

• EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
• EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
• EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
• MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
• MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
• MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
• ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

What's so great about being a dick?

1. You've got a head with no brains.
2. Two nuts follow you around all day.
3. Your neighbor is an asshole.
4. Your best friend is a cunt!

What makes a man think he's so great?

1. He has a belly button that won't work.
2. He has tits that won't give milk.
3. He has a cock that won't crow.
4. He has balls that won't roll.
5. He has an ass that won't carry a thing.