Medicine — best jokes

- Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

- Dentist: $100.00.

- Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

- Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

- Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

- Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.
6. You are always meeting new people.
7. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.
8. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
9. Mysteries are always interesting.

- Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

- Nurse: No change yet.

- Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

- Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

- Patient: What happened?

- Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

- Patient: Give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

- Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

- Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

• Artery -- Study of paintings
• Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
• Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
• Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
• Caesarean section -- District in Rome
• Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
• Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
• Colic -- Sheep dog
• Coma -- A punctuation mark
• Congenital -- Friendly
• D&C -- Where Washington is
• Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
• Dilate -- To live long
• Enema -- Not a friend
• Fester -- Quicker
• Fibula -- A small lie
• G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
• Grippe -- Suitcase
• Hangnail -- Coathook
• Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
• Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
• Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
• Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
• Morbid -- Higher offer
• Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
• Node -- Was aware of
• Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
• Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
• Post operative -- Letter carrier
• Protein -- Favoring young people
• Rectum -- It almost killed him
• Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
• Rheumatic -- Amorous
• Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
• Secretion -- Hiding anything
• Seizure -- Roman emperor
• Serology -- Study of knighthood
• Tablet -- Small table
• Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
• Tibia -- Country in North Africa
• Tumor -- An extra pair
• Urine -- Opposite of you're out
• Varicose -- Located nearby
• Vein -- Conceited

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

- Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

- Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

- Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

- Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke.

People are running frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.

Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says, "Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"