Medicine — best jokes

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.

Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said, "Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!"

The new groom said, "well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, "well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? everybody's doing it these days." The groom says, "yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."

The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."

The groom says, "I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea." The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"

He said, "Well she's also got worms,... And I dooo looove to Fish!!"

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. According to company spokesman, Peter Riser, the following drugs are under testing now:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

The National Organzation For Women is lobbying congress and the FDA to make these new drugs available for sale over the counter, as well as available in men's rooms everywhere.

In order to appeal to a boader customer base, Pfizer is also developing the following drugs intended primarily for women:

NagAgra - Causes Women not to nag their spouse.

HonydewAgra - Causes women to actually do house hold maintenance instead of just writing things down.

InformAgra - Causes women to tell their spouses about plans they have made that involve said spouse.

Butt-outAgra - Causes women not to pry into the personal lives of others and mind their own business.

PersonalAgra - Causes women not to discuss their sex lives with aquaintances of their spouse

SportAgra - Makes women understand the male need for consuming large quantities of fermented beverages while watching contact sports.

Cindi CrawfordAgra - Need I say more?

This crazy guy walks into an insane asylum wearing nothing but plastic wrap as shorts.

The doctor walks in and tells him - "I can clearly see your nuts!"

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him scribbling furiously on a notepad.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about writing a will.

He said, "Will, will,... WHAT WILL? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite!!"

After much research and millions of dollars, our scientists have discovered the secret ingredients to Viagra!

VIAGRA INGREDIENT LIST: (TopSecret!)

• 3% Vitamin E
• 2% aspirin
• 2% ibuprofen
• 1% Vitamin C

...and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...92% Fix-A-Flat!

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test -- and best of all -- you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible -- and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just right. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared. Final thoughts for women readers:

• MENtal illness
• MENstrual cramps
• MENtal breakdown
• MENopause

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day - and when we have real trouble - it's HISterectomy.

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean!" The guy says, "Can't you tell the difference?"

"Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what ya do...
Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, - don't have sex with her anymore!"

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"