Medicine — best jokes

- Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping.

- Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed.

- Oh, I'm all right at night, it's in the day I have problems.

A monster went to the doctor with a branch growing out of his head.
"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I've no idea what it is."
The next week the branch was covered in leaves and blossom.
"I'm stumped," said the doctor, "but you can try taking these pills."
When the monster came back a month later the branch had grown into a tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small pond, surrounded by trees and bushes, all of them on top of his head.
"Ah!" said the doctor, "I know what it is. You've got a beauty spot."

- Doctor: Your system needs freshening up a bit. I suggest you take a cold bath every morning.

- Patient: Oh, but I do, doctor.

- Doctor: You do?

- Patient: Yes, every morning I take a nice cold bath and fill it with nice hot water!

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Siamese Twins Barbie ...complete with surgical instruments

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Junkie Barbie ...complete with needle tracks

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Chain Smoker Barbie ...with Surgeon General's warning on box

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Manic-Depressive Barbie ...with a set of Oriental throwing knives

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Shock Therapy Barbie ...car battery and wires included

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

What medicine would you give an ill ant?
→ Antibiotics!