Marriage Jokes — best jokes

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says:

- Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation:

- I now pronounce you man and wife.

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says:

- Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.

- Because, - the man says - I live in a two-story house.

The Judge replies:

- What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story house?

The man answers:

- Well Judge, one story is...I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month!

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

- You're running around with other women - she charged.

- You're being unreasonable - Adam responded.

- You're the only woman on earth!

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.

- Counting your ribs - said Eve!

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said:

- I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying:

- I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?

Bill thought for a while and said:

- I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.

Hillary was shocked, but said:

- I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together.

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill:

- So why do you have all that money in the box?

Bill answered:

- Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans...

- I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.

The husband says:

- I thought we'd have sex tonight.

The wife replies:

- No, I'm too tired tonight.

The husband says:

- Is that your final answer?

The wife says:

- Yes, it is, thank you.

The husband says:

- OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend.

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says:

- Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!

So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.

- Why are you naked? - he asks.

- Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you.

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

- Who the hell are you?! - the man asks.

- I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.

The husband exclaims:

- But you are naked!

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says:

- Those little bastards!

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife:

- Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

- Now watch - he said. Next he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said:

- Dick, at EASE!

And his dick deflated again.

- Wow, that was amazing - said his wife. - Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said:

- Now watch this.

Then he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was:

- Dick, at EASE!

But nothing happened. So the guy again said:

- Dick, at EASE!

But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says:

- For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!

Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

- What in the world are you doing!? - she asked.

The guy says...

- I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked:

- Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?

- Well, yes, I actually did once.

- And how did your husband look?

- Angry, very angry.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said:

- Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

- Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?

- He was looking through the window at us!

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

- Well - replied the man - When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.

- Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much - said his friend.

- I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!

The groom nodded gently and said:

- I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!