Marriage Jokes — best jokes

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says:

- I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!

The second guy says:

- I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard', and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!

The third guy says:

- You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore dingy and an butt full of quarters!

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question:

- Mom, why are wedding dresses white?

The mother looks at her son and replies:

- Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father:

- Dad why are wedding dresses white?

The father looks at his son in surprise and says...:

- Son, all household appliances come in white!

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked:

- That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.

Morris hung his head and whispered:

- To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!

One night a torrential downpour soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house. It kept floating out, then back, out and back. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux:

- Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house and then back again?

Mrs. Boudreaux said:

- Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was going to cut the grass today, come Hell or High Water!!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife:

- Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!

- Shall I pack for warm weather or cold? - Martha replies.

- I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon! - the man responds.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.

How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!

Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!

How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

- What about trying Viagra? - asks the doctor.

- Not a chance, - says Mrs. Murphy. He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.

- No problem, - replies the doctor. - Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

- Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.

- What happened? - asks the doctor.

- Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

- What was terrible? - said the doctor, - Was the sex not good?

- Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said:

- Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked:

- What was that date again ?

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion:

- If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. - How long will this take? - she asks.

- They'll grow larger over a period of years, - he replies. The wife stops. - Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

The husband shrugs. - Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?(He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.)

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

- No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.

- Hello, I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold? - she said.

To which she heard the bartender say:

- Hey, Clarence, - I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!

Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating:

- At last they're together. At last they're together.

A mourner whispers:

- Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense...at last they're together!

The first mourner responds:

- I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!