Marriage Jokes — best jokes

"Okay," said the wife, "I'll admit I like to spend money, but it's the only extravagance I have!"

- We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob's income. - his wife told her best friend.

- How do you two manage? And you even have kids!

- We get along okay - her friend said.

- You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money.

- Really? How can that be?

- Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere and do anything!

Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.

Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim:

- It's got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a driver's side air bag.

Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steve's wife before, he asked:

- Who's that?

- Oh, - said Steve with a grin, - another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!

- Before I married my wife, - a husband once said, - it was nothing but wine, women, and song.

- Now that I'm her husband, it's beer, mama, and TV.

A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary:

- What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?

He replied:

- I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear.

She asked:

- And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?

- I think I did a damn good job!

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
→ Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!

- You used to hold my hand years ago when we were courting, - she said as they were side by side in bed. He reached over, took her hand and held it.

- Then you used to kiss me, - she purred. He turned over, gave her a slight kiss and then rolled over again to sleep.

- After that, you used to bite my neck. With that the husband got up. - Where are you going? - she asked. - To get my teeth, - he grumbled.

A couple were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at their home.

Everyone was having a great time except for the wife who sat off in a corner with a tear in her eye. The family attorney came over to her and asked what was wrong. The wife told him:

- Remember when we first got married and I told you that I couldn't stand him after about a month into the marriage? I really hated him at the time.

- Yeah, I remember those trying times. - replied the attorney.

- I absolutely positively hated him. I even had bad thoughts of killing him, remember?

- Yes, I do.

- But you kept telling me to get rid of those thoughts. You said that I would get up to thirty years for such a crime.

- That was a long time ago though. Why are you so sad now?

- Because...

I could have been a free woman by now!

My wife and I have an agreement that works... She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.

I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.

A male chauvinist tells his buddy over drinks:

- I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.

His buddy asks:

- Oh? Why do you wonder about that?

To which he replies:

- Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!