Marriage Jokes — best jokes

A man and his wife were at the breakfast table when he suddenly remembered that it was their 50th Anniversary.

- Guess what, darling - he said:

- Fifty years ago today you and I were wed.

- And we ate our first honeymoon breakfast at this very table - she said.

- We were naked as jaybirds, remember? - he blushed.

- Oh yes - she giggled:

- Why don't we take off our clothes right now?

- All right.

They stripped to the buff and stared at one another across the table.

- Oooh, darling - she said:

- My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

- No wonder - he said:

- One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!

A little boy asked his father:

- Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?

And the father replied:

- I don't know son, I'm still paying!

- First guy (proudly): My wife's an angel!

- Second guy: You're lucky, mine's still alive.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says:

- Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.

The customer replies:

- I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home.

Guy goes to the pharmacy at his wife's request to buy her some tampons. About an hour later he comes home with a bag of cotton balls.

Staring at him in disbelief she asks:

- What the HELL...?!?! I asked for TAMPONS, not friggin COTTONBALLS!!

He says:

- Remember when I asked you to pick me up a pack of cigarettes and you came home with a tin of tobacco and told me to roll my own because the cigs were too expensive.....?

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

- All this was just too wonderful for words - he said:

- but what's the dollar for?

- Well - she said:

- last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

- I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea!

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.

- I say she's highly over-rated - said one:

- Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?

- My wife - said the other with a heavy sigh!

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained:

- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

- Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole! - she screamed.

- That's funny - he muttered.

- you even sound exactly like her too!

A man goes to the doctor and says:

- Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?

- I think that is a wise decision - the doctor replies.

- Let's see, do you smoke?

- Oh.. Half a pack a day.

- Starting NOW, no more smoking.

The man agrees.

The doctor then asks:

- Do you drink?

- Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.

- Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.

The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks:

- How do you eat?

- Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.

- Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.

The man is now really worried.

- Doc, is all this really necessary?

- Do you want to live long?

- Yes.

- Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet.

The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues:

- Do you have sex?

- Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife! - he adds hurriedly.

- As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.

The man is appalled.

- Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?

- I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

- Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday - she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

- I can't - says the woman.

- That's the only night I'm home with my husband!

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her:

- There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?

- Well - she said a little sheepishly.

- my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.

- That's got to be it - said the doctor.

- There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.

- Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't - she replied.