Marriage Jokes — best jokes

For sale by Owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or the best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything!

A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said:

- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

- You're a brave woman - said the dentist.

- Now, show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says:

- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!

- Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here? - yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

- Don't you want to get pregnant? - asked the doctor.

- Well, yes, I do - answered the woman.

- Then lie back and spread 'em - replied the doctor.

- We're all out of the bottled stuff... You'll just have to settle for what's on tap!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
→ Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told!

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say:

- I could really go for an ice cream cone.

Hubby replies:

- Well, I'll go get you one.

Wife says:

- But, you'll forget, you better write it down.

Hubby replies:

- No I won't; what do you want?

Wife says:

- Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.

Hubby replies:

- Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember.

Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.

The wife asks him:

- What took you so long, did you get lost?

The hubby replies:

- No, and I got what you wanted.

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!

Wife says:

- I knew you you should have written the order down.

Hubby says:

- What do you mean - every thing is there?

To which the wife replies:

- No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles!

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbor asks:

- Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?

Ed replies:

- Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?

Neighbor says:

- You mean a rose?

Ed replies:

- Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...

He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says:

- Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says:

- Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!

He replies:

- Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!

There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didn't work.

However, the doctor suggested:

- If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder.

The old man agreed.

The old man didn't see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later.

The old man says:

- Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant.

- That's good news - said the doctor.

- I knew the boarder would help.

- Oh - said the old man with a wicked grin.

- and the boarder's pregnant as well.

A man speaks frantically into the phone:

- My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

- Is this her first child? - the doctor queries.

- No, you idiot! - the man shouts.

- This is her husband!

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says:

- For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says:

- It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says:

- You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics.