Marriage Jokes — best jokes

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."

The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"

The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.

I'll never forget that game of cards...

A little kid comes running into the backyard.

He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"

"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp.
So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said "I want to know the person you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."
"OK, I wish for a billion dollars"
"Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything"
"Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"
The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."
His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...

Europe, the Carribean?"
He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

- Husband: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

- Wife: Your sense of humor.

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked...

"And where were you when I got married?"

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife."
"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.
"I got married again," the man sobbed.
"Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ...

- Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.

- Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.

- Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.