Marriage Jokes — best jokes

Magnussen goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife isn't as much fun as she used to be."

The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy a roll in the hay?"

Magnussen says, "As much as the next fellow."

The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted."

A man was complaining to a friend.

"I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out."

"We'd like a room, please," the bloke said, nodding toward his misses. "We were married this morning."

"Congratulations," the desk clerk said, "how about the bridal?"

"No thanks, just a room. I'll hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.

Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."

"How?" asked Joe.

"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."

"Did he get anything?" his mates asked.

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?
→ Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says, "Look at this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!"

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.

- Man: What was that for?

- Wife: Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on it?

- Man: Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of the horse I bet on.

The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.

Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.

- Man: What's that for this time?

- Wife: Your horse called.

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.

She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."