Marriage Jokes — best jokes

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens.

"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"

"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered.

"But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.

"Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.

A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes.

"Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them.

"Aren't you talking to me?" his missus snapped.

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!"

John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. "I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is."

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her."

"You were perfectly right."

"You want to speak with her? All right."

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.

"I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."

Two mates are having a chat over a beer.

"Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath?" one bloke asks his friend.

"No way!" his mate replies.

"Well," says the first bloke, "do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?"

"Fuck no!" his mate replies.

"Well," says the first bloke, "what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?"