Marriage Jokes — best jokes

Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.

"My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.

"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"

"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

- Husband: What the hell are you doing here!

- Repairman: Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!

I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.

It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!

Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?
→ Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that BlowJob I promised you? Here it comes..."

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
→ He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

And why did that upset you?
→ My name is Susan.

Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town. "How're thangs with y'all, Pete?" one asked.

"Not bad atall," Pete replied. "My old woman ain't talkin' to me thiseyer week...and I ain't in no mood to interrupt her."

On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.

Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.

When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.

He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T?!?"

Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits today."

"What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad journalism. I'll sue 'em."

"Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you calling from?"

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.

- How is she now?

- She's fine. But, the dog died.