Marriage Jokes — best jokes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. - Helen Rowland
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. - Unknown
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore. His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

- Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink - she suggested smiling.

- Good idea - says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

- If there's anything else you'd like just call - says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.

- What the heck is that for? - asks the husband snappily.

- Oh Darling, says the wife, flustered, I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. She always complained:

- You'll fart your guts out one of these days,

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. The old man says:

- You was right all along Missus,

- I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!

A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses.

The blonde says to the redhead:

- isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?

The redhead says, yes it is.

The blonde responds by saying:

- Oh you are so lucky.

The redhead says:

- No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart.

The blonde says:

- Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in?

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
→ You can park in handicapped zones.

The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.

- Why are we so happy? - he asked.

- Honey, I have some really great news for you!

- Great, tell me what you're so happy about.

She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down.

- I'm pregnant! - she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier. Then she said:

- Oh, honey there's more.

- What do you mean more?

- Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

- It was easy - she said.

- I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!

One blond says to another:

- How did you die?

- I froze to death - says the second.

- That's awful - says the first blonde.

- How does it feel to freeze to death?

- It's very uncomfortable at first - says the second blonde.

- You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?

- I had a heart attack - says the first blonde.

- You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.

The second blonde shakes her head:

- What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife:

- I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,

- You're on - returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food. After eating the husband says:

- I have to admit that I saw this movie before.

She in turn confesses:

- I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice....

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blonde guy turns to the girl and angrily says:

- Alright. Who's the other father!

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says:

- Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.

- No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.