Marriage Jokes — best jokes

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka.

- Six shots? What's wrong? - asks the bartender.

- I found out my older brother is gay.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- What now?

- I found out my younger brother is gay.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?

- Yeah, my wife does.

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay.

- No, I'm not. I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

- Well, what did you say to your wife?

- Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore.

- Well, what did you say to your best friend?

- BAD DOG! BAD DOG!

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

- I did a terrible thing - sniffed the drunk. Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.

- That is awful. And now that she is gone you want her back, right?

- Right! - said the drunk, still crying.

- You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, right?

- Oh, no. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

- How was work, dear? - his wife asks.

- Listen! I don't want to talk about work! - he shouts.

- Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal? - she asks nicely.

- Listen! - he shouts again.

- I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself:

- Well, I guess it's that time of the month.

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:

- He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab:

- Sorry I took so long - he says:

- Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

- That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits - he said:

- Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

- Hey - the husband said:

- let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does.

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

- Now - said the husband with an evil smile:

- tell HIM you have a headache!

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.

Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

This newly wed couple were on their honey moon and were about to have sex:

- Wife: Before we do this I have something I have to tell u.

- Husband: We're married now, u can tell me anything.

- Wife: I'm flat chested.

- Husband: I don't believe u.. prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

- Husband: Holy shit I never seen a smaller chest, but I have something I have to tell u too.

- Wife: We're married now u can tell me anything.

- Husband: I'm "weighed like a baby".

- Wife: I don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

- Wife: I thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

- Husband: I am 6lbs 7ounces!

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

- Just where the heck do you think you're going!

- I'm going to Las Vegas. I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

- Wait a minute! - the man said, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

- Where the heck are you going?

- I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife:

- Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

- Now watch - he said.

Next he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said:

- Dick, at EASE!

And his dick deflated again.

- Wow, that was amazing - said his wife.

- Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said:

- Now watch this.

Then he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was:

- Dick, at EASE!

But nothing happened. So the guy again said:

- Dick, at EASE!

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says:

- For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!

Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

- What in the world are you doing? - she asked.

The guy says:

- I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!