Marriage Jokes — best jokes

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said:

- How should I know, that's 200 miles from here! and hung up.

Curious, the husband said:

- Who was that?

And his lovely wife replies:

- I don't any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs:

- Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him.

- Now, now - her mother comforted:

- I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.

- No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!

- Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate! - says her mom.

- Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.

- No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.

- Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?

- Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. - What's going on? - Ed asked one of the crowd.

- We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine - he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine.

- Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

- I can do that! - Ed said confidently.

- No you can't - said Ted.

- I sure as hell can! - said Ed.

- You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster - said Ted.

- Watch this - said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted.

- Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!? - Ted asked.

- Remember three months ago - Ed said...

- When my wife had whooping cough...?

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

- Sidney thought of everything - she told them.

- Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'.

- What was in the envelopes? - her friends asked.

- The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

- The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.

- And the third envelope? - asked her friends.

- The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said:

- So, do you like my stone? - showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

- How was work, dear? - his wife asks.

- Listen! I don't want to talk about work! - he shouts.

- Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal? - she asks sweetly.

- Listen! - he shouts again.

- I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...

- Well, I guess it's that time of the month!

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him:

- You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died? - The 60 year old responded

- Who said he was dead?

The doctor was surprised and asked:

- How old is he and is he very active?

The 60 year old responded:

- Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.

The doctor couldn't believe it:

- Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?

The 60 year old responded again:

- Who said he was dead?

The doctor was astonished. He said:

- You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?

The 60 year old said:

- He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that - said the patient

- my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.

The doctor said:

- At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?

His patient looked up at the doctor and said:

- Who said he wanted to?

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.

The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.

The husband asked her about what.

She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.

The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!

Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that:

- I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.

The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.

Sell? The didn't sell yours... where in the hell do you think they held the auction!

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

- Care to go upstairs and do it? - the husband asked.

- Shh! - said the bride

- All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?

So, the following night, the husband asks:

- I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?

- No, I definitely shut it - replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said:

- I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?

- No, thanks - said the husband.

- It was only a small load so I did it by hand.

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting:

- Silence in court!

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says:

- Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says:

- OK.

- Well - said Paddy - after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.

Shocked, the judge instantly responded:

- God, that must have hurt!

- Hurt? - Paddy replies.

- He broke three of my fingers!